**Trigger warning - This post isn't edited and probably won't be edited. It's important that my raw feelings be seen, and if I take time to edit I'd never post it. I won't make a habit of it. Grammar police, be gone.**
The last 4 months have been hell. This is the worst I’ve felt in my entire life. The darkness is thick here. Im on edge and it’s uncomfortable. I isolate myself because forced interactions seen to cause me to be short and snappy - even with my own family and friends. Why didn’t anybody tell me about the potential dark side of pregnancy?
I found out I was pregnant early one morning in my apartment in Dallas. I had been feeling off for weeks so I took the time to go see a doctor. She called to tell me my blood work showed that I was pregnant and that I should come in for a follow up appointment. My boyfriend was beside me and we were both still in our early morning daze. I don’t think I processed that day. I don’t think he did either. I just wanted proof. I just wanted to know for sure that there was an actual baby in there.
I’m not sure when it transitioned from content to awful. All I remember is it didn’t take long for the anxiety to set in. There was something missing and I couldn’t tell what it was. It felt like there was like a light switch that never clicked on. I was so exhausted. I would skip meals if it meant I could sleep an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I was so damn sick. I had an actual cold the entire first trimester. And the nausea made me feel like nothing was going to smell appetizing ever again. I felt like my body hated me. And even worse, I felt absolutely no connection to this baby.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom. My mom always made it seem like it was the best decision she had ever made. She made it look effortless. And I thought that connection would just instantly click. I cried for hours at a time wanting it to feel effortless for me too but it just wasn’t. I just wanted to feel something. Anything. And I felt nothing. Even worse, I knew I was giving that energy to my kid. The baby hasn’t even came yet and I was already failing at being a good mother.
I tried to talk to my doctor. She brushed me off. I tried to talk to my baby daddy. That didn’t go well either. I tried talking to my mom and a few friends. Nobody seemed to really grasp how I was feeling. It made me question a lot. Was a crazy? Did this mean a connection would never come?
I even wondered about you guys. I was sharing my passion of total body and mind wellness, yet I wasn’t well at all myself. In my mind, I was a fraud. Nothing was working. It was so bad that I remember thinking to myself selfishly that I would have rather the doctor told me I could never have kids than to be pregnant and feel so disconnected from myself, everyone else, and the baby I was carrying.
That was a few weeks ago.
Pregnancy isn’t for the weak hearted. But now I understand prenatal depression more than I did before. It terrifies me to be this vulnerable online but I now carry the responsibility of sharing because I may help someone else. I realized that the reason why I couldn’t find the answers online is because it isn’t talked about enough. If you feel this way too, it’s okay. Hold tight to anything, big or small, that helps you see the sunshine in the darkness.
My days aren’t dark anymore, just a little cloudy from time to time, and that’s okay. And google was right about one thing; As the baby grows so does the connection. I can feel movements now and its one of the most miraculous things I’ve ever experienced. Talking to other moms who get where I’m coming from helps a lot too (you know who you are and I’m forever grateful for your openness).
Moving forward, I want to share more. It helps my cloudy days turn sunny.
To my child, who may read this one day, I love you more than anything. You’re my sunshine on the darkest of days. Thank you for choosing me.
JasBee x MuvaBee