This shit sucks.

**Trigger warning - This post isn't edited and probably won't be edited. It's important that my raw feelings be seen, and if I take time to edit I'd never post it. I won't make a habit of it. Grammar police, be gone.**

The last 4 months have been hell. This is the worst I’ve felt in my entire life. The darkness is thick here. Im on edge and it’s uncomfortable. I isolate myself because forced interactions seen to cause me to be short and snappy - even with my own family and friends. Why didn’t anybody tell me about the potential dark side of pregnancy?

I found out I was pregnant early one morning in my apartment in Dallas. I had been feeling off for weeks so I took the time to go see a doctor. She called to tell me my blood work showed that I was pregnant and that I should come in for a follow up appointment. My boyfriend was beside me and we were both still in our early morning daze. I don’t think I processed that day. I don’t think he did either. I just wanted proof. I just wanted to know for sure that there was an actual baby in there.

I’m not sure when it transitioned from content to awful. All I remember is it didn’t take long for the anxiety to set in. There was something missing and I couldn’t tell what it was. It felt like there was like a light switch that never clicked on. I was so exhausted. I would skip meals if it meant I could sleep an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I was so damn sick. I had an actual cold the entire first trimester. And the nausea made me feel like nothing was going to smell appetizing ever again. I felt like my body hated me. And even worse, I felt absolutely no connection to this baby.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. My mom always made it seem like it was the best decision she had ever made. She made it look effortless. And I thought that connection would just instantly click. I cried for hours at a time wanting it to feel effortless for me too but it just wasn’t. I just wanted to feel something. Anything. And I felt nothing. Even worse, I knew I was giving that energy to my kid. The baby hasn’t even came yet and I was already failing at being a good mother.

I tried to talk to my doctor. She brushed me off. I tried to talk to my baby daddy. That didn’t go well either. I tried talking to my mom and a few friends. Nobody seemed to really grasp how I was feeling. It made me question a lot. Was a crazy? Did this mean a connection would never come?

I even wondered about you guys. I was sharing my passion of total body and mind wellness, yet I wasn’t well at all myself. In my mind, I was a fraud. Nothing was working. It was so bad that I remember thinking to myself selfishly that I would have rather the doctor told me I could never have kids than to be pregnant and feel so disconnected from myself, everyone else, and the baby I was carrying.

That was a few weeks ago.

Pregnancy isn’t for the weak hearted. But now I understand prenatal depression more than I did before. It terrifies me to be this vulnerable online but I now carry the responsibility of sharing because I may help someone else. I realized that the reason why I couldn’t find the answers online is because it isn’t talked about enough. If you feel this way too, it’s okay. Hold tight to anything, big or small, that helps you see the sunshine in the darkness.

My days aren’t dark anymore, just a little cloudy from time to time, and that’s okay. And google was right about one thing; As the baby grows so does the connection. I can feel movements now and its one of the most miraculous things I’ve ever experienced. Talking to other moms who get where I’m coming from helps a lot too (you know who you are and I’m forever grateful for your openness).

Moving forward, I want to share more. It helps my cloudy days turn sunny.

To my child, who may read this one day, I love you more than anything. You’re my sunshine on the darkest of days. Thank you for choosing me.

JasBee x MuvaBee

Believe in something.


Before I begin, I want to remind you of something I touched on in my first post. The beauty of being unique individuals is that we are intelligent enough to form our own opinion and create our own values. As you read, know that my thoughts are a product of wellness activities I’ve used to strengthen my core beliefs and values. It is so important to know what you stand for. Sometimes we can be so unique that we are polar opposites from one another. Reasonable people may disagree with what I believe and that is okay because my journey may look different from your journey. Thank you in advance for respecting my wellness.

Moving on…

In the beginning, my wellness was fed strictly thru literature. I read, studied, and asked questions to try and gain an understanding of what exactly wellness was and why it was so important. Before #BeeWell transitioned into a movement promoting better wellness, it was really just my way of saying I was going to take necessary steps to find out who I really and what I need to do to care for myself. As a person of color and an avid football fan, I couldn’t help but keep up with Colin Kaepernick, the NFL Quarterback who opted to take a knee during the United States National Anthem before the start of an NFL game in 2016. Kaepernick peacefully protested against the racial injustices in the United States and in return was left jobless. Today, Nike retweeted this photo posted by Kaepernick with the caption “Believe in something, even if it means sacrificing everything. #JustDoIt”. After quick research I found out that Nike is celebrating year 30 of the Just Do It campaign, and Colin Kaepernick (who apparently has secretly been on Nike’s payroll since the beginning of the drama) has been signed to be the new face of the company. Alongside him also is Serena Williams, world renown tennis player, who also was recently called out by French Open President Bernard Giudicelli for her “figure hugging black suit”.

This. Is. Big. And if I’m being honest, this appealed to several different sections of my wellness. Last year, in an effort to #BeeWell, I feed my wellness by reading and learning so that I could formulate my own opinions on several current and relevant topics. I felt it was important to my spiritual wellness in particular, that I knew where I stood with religion, the political atmosphere, the BLM movement and everything else in between. I won’t go into detail about what I believe (DM me though), but I’ll say this: My journey to better wellness has called me to use my platform. The message “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything” is priceless. Just from a marketing perspective alone, this is an inspiring move by Nike. Add the face of a strong message behind the quote and you have a bold movement. History has taught us (if you’ve been watching) that favors the bold. 

The last few days has been rough for me. Although the response to the launch of #BeeWell was supportive and overwhelming in the most positive way, it is still hard to share with the world. I went back on word and neglected to post the content I had created for last Friday mostly due to fear. I’ve hid from this for a long time even though I’ve felt this nagging void calling me to step into my truth by standing for what I believe in even if it means I have to sacrifice everything, including my fear of opening up. Colin Kaepernick made a grave sacrifice for the likeness of himself and others. This message is so relatable to me because I, too, have to make a sacrifice for the betterment of myself and whoever may be watching.

Some people may not see Colin Kaepernick as courageous. Whether you agree with his point or not, the fact is that he used the platform he was given because he knew that bringing focus to a problem in a non-violent and peaceful way was the only option he had to spark a conversation of change. Salute to Nike for the bold statement. Thank you Colin. Thank you for reminding me that my wellness deserves the same sacrifice. And salute to those reading for following me on my journey. The next time fear or anxiety overcomes me, I will remind myself of the same advice Nike’s been giving us since 1988. Just Do It. 


[Just] #BeeWell



What is Wellness?

Often times we hear the word wellness and only consider the physical aspect – such as what we eat and how often we work out. Wellness is a holistic active lifestyle that challenges us to function at our optimal potential. By becoming more aware of the choice and decisions we make, our lives will become more balanced and more fulfilled. While diet and exercise is important, it is only one piece of the wellness pie. 

Wellness can be broken down into six-different sections. Over the next several months, I plan to thoroughly dissect each section, using my own journey as an example. My goal is to empower YOU to transform for the betterment of you and your wellness! It’s worth it. You deserve it. #BeeWell 

And I haven’t, since.

Hi friends, welcome to my website! I never was the “go check out my blog” type of girl, but this is too important not to share.

Some may already be aware that I finished undergrad in 2017, but many people are shocked to find out that I studied Exercise Science. Most of my classmates used the degree as a path to a masters degree in physical therapy. At one point, I was on that same course as well, but I became obsessed over one course I took my junior year – Wellness with Dr. B.

When you first hear the word wellness, most will think only of the physical state of being well when it is so much deeper than that. Your wellness is a multi-dimensional structure that encompasses health of your total mind, body, and spirit. It’s often broken down and described differently, but all in all it comes down to just really focusing on elevating yourself for the betterment of your health.

I think this class really affected me because after taking a good hard look inside, I realized how damaged I was and how I was neglecting my wellness. I was depressed. I gained (and lost and gained again) a crazy amount of weight. I completely ignoring all spiritual traditions and customers I once had. I ignored all financial responsibilities. The list goes on. There was a time period where for three consecutive years I was in school year-round fall summer spring and winter. Three. Years. Killing myself slowly and telling myself it was all a part of the growing pains. I knew I wasn’t taking care of my wellness and the deeper I got into my studies, the clearer my obliviousness became. It was one of the most painful and draining experiences of my life.  I sat on the information I learned for MONTHS. I don’t know if it was because I was scared of the changes that needed to occur or if I was embarrassed that I had allowed myself to drown. One day I told myself that this way of living was insane. I decided to plan to change.

That was in February of 2016. What I’ve realized is that I wasn’t going to meet any of the goals I set for myself if I didn’t start with by embracing my wellness as an actively changing and developing part of my life. I told myself that I would be a life long learner for the betterment of a stronger body, a stronger mind, and a stronger soul.  I could not live another day stagnant – and I haven’t, since.

I now believe that on the most simplistic level, wellness is broken down into 6 dimensions. Mental wellness, physical wellness, cultural wellness, social wellness, spiritual wellness, and financial wellness all make up an individual’s overall health. #BeeWell is a product of my journey to inspire a shift in how we look at wellness. My journey to better wellness may be very different from yours. There is no cookie cutter answer. But if my journey can kickstart someone else’s, then I am satisfied.